curse of starseed

 Being a starseed is a journey of loneliness and deep longing; one that no one else around you can truly understand. From a young age, I always felt that something was off, as if this world was nothing more than a simulation, an elaborate illusion meant to keep us distracted. I would often find myself daydreaming about going back to wherever I came from, a place I couldn't remember, but one I knew was home. There was always an inexplicable sense of something missing, a void I could never fill....until I realized that what I had been longing for all along was my twin flame.

Growing up, I felt like an alien among humans, unable to understand them, and they, in turn, were unable to understand me. The way I saw the world, through a lens of deeper meaning, energy, and synchronicity, it was beyond their comprehension. And to them, I was just living in my own world, delusional, disconnected from reality. I never liked to socialize much, and when I did, it often ended in misunderstandings. They saw me as odd, maybe even cold, but I was simply navigating this Earth with a mindset that didn’t belong here.

I grew up in a toxic family environment, one that crushed my self-confidence and forced me to follow in my parents' footsteps. Every decision was dictated by their desires, their expectations. I could never make my own choices. For years, I lived with that burden until I finally broke free....or so I thought.

Just when life seemed stable, when I believed I had found happiness in material success and family, my twin flame came into my life, and everything shattered. Meeting your twin flame is not like finding a soulmate. It’s like standing in front of a mirror and confronting everything you’ve tried to suppress. The depression hit hard, and I entered what’s known as the “dark night of the soul.” It was during this time that I experienced a kundalini awakening. Every day I woke up to memories of past lives, questioning whether this world was real or just another illusion. It felt fake, like a dream I couldn’t wake from. The universe kept teasing me with signs of synchronicity everywhere: 11:11, 22:22, 33:33, 44:44. I was lost in a maze of spiritual awakening, with more questions than answers.

Despite the chaos, I’ve been blessed with a loving wife and beautiful children who give me the strength to keep going. They are my anchors in this world, the reason I don’t give up. My twin flame may have sent me spiraling into the abyss, but my family has kept me grounded. And yet, despite achieving financial independence and material wealth, life continues to feel… hollow.

I work hard, as always. I push myself to create change, to bring value to my customers, to improve the world in whatever small way I can. If possible, I strive to make a difference in individuals' lives, not just by giving them money or material aid, but by teaching them to think for themselves, to rise above their challenges. But even with these efforts, there’s a nagging feeling that I’m not done yet, that my true purpose as a starseed is to help and heal and it hasn't yet been fulfilled. Maybe one day, when I retire, I’ll become a monk and dedicate myself fully to helping others.

As much as I strive for change and growth, some things remain the same. I still can’t part with my 14-year-old BMW, my first love. That six-cylinder engine has brought me so much joy. Sure, the repair costs are insane, and every month something new breaks down. But the knowledge I’ve gained from maintaining that car has been invaluable. It’s more than just a machine. It’s a part of my journey, a constant in a life that’s otherwise been full of turmoil and transformation.

Despite all the material wealth I’ve accumulated, there’s always this underlying unease. I am still a starseed at heart, and the universe’s mandate for me is to help people, to guide them beyond just material aid....remains incomplete. Helping someone isn’t just about handing them money; it’s about giving them the tools to think for themselves, to solve their own problems, and grow as individuals.

My main focus now is on my children, to raise them to be better humans, better partners, and people who can make a positive impact on those around them. By instilling love in them, I hope they will carry that love into their future relationships, creating ripples of kindness that will touch other families and, ultimately, change the world in their own way.

Life as a starseed is a curse and a blessing. It’s lonely, it’s confusing, and it’s full of deep emotional and spiritual challenges. But through it all, I know that my journey has a purpose, and I will continue to walk this path with love and intention, for myself, for my family, and for the world.

rising from the roller coaster life

 After enduring the ups and downs of life, I find myself back in employment—a turn of events that I did not see coming. The covid pandemic didn’t just affect the world; it marked the end of my business, though not solely due to the pandemic. A poor business partnership, built on trust and lofty promises of going listed, played a major role in its downfall. My partner and I eventually decided to leave the other, wealthier partner who had sold us on this illusion of grandeur. We ventured out on our own, but as fate would have it, when the pandemic struck and a government shift killed many of our key contracts, we called it a day.

The lockdown, however, became a period of transformation for me. It gave me time not just to reskill professionally, but also to grow spiritually. I began offering part-time Feng Shui consultation services, diving deeper into Chinese metaphysics, and practicing intensive meditation. During this time, I also entertained myself in these online forums where I now played the role of a millionaire, pretending, bragging, and exploring a different version of myself. Yet, in an ironic twist, the manifestation techniques I had once dabbled in seemed to come alive again that year. Not only did I regain my financial footing by getting back into employment, but I also achieved real success in the stock market and cryptocurrency. Against the odds, I became a millionaire, for real. It felt as though everything I had learned and practiced had come together in a perfect storm of opportunity. Manifestation was working its magic once again. (sorry to those hatred whom fueled my growth again.. sorry... )

But beyond the financial success, what I’ve come to realize is that life is like a roller coaster. It rises, it falls, and all we can do is follow the flow and trust that the best outcomes will come our way. Through this process, I’ve discovered something even more rewarding. I became a healer (reiki, giving advices, doing forecasting & prediction), helping others move forward from their own struggles. It brings me immense satisfaction to know that I’ve made a difference in other people’s lives, guiding them through their challenges and helping them find peace.

There’s been so much happening in my life that I could write volumes. But I’ll save that for another time. For now, I’m grateful for the journey, its highs and lows.I'm excited to see what lies ahead.

goodbye employment, hello life

What prompted me to write this post was a recent article shared by Humans of KL—a COO’s narrative on corporate politics. It resonated deeply with me, as I too have lived through many of the same challenges this COO described.

As Jack Ma once said, "If you want a simple life, don’t be a leader." Most people might shrug off this statement, continuing their relentless climb up the corporate ladder. But allow me to share a story from my own experience.

I found myself in the role of a Business Unit Head at the age of 30—an achievement in itself, but far from a smooth journey. The invisible daggers that awaited me in the boardroom were more treacherous than anything I could have anticipated. The admiration I once held for the company quickly evaporated during my tenure. I soon realized that being a manager, as one of my mentors once said, is indeed “the shittiest job ever.” And I wholeheartedly agree.

Many questioned the decision to place someone so young in such a high-level role. I knew some opposed my appointment behind closed doors. The tension only grew when, within my first year, I turned the business around, generating seven-figure net profits. Instead of celebration, it fueled even more bitterness among my peers. The boardroom, far from being a space for collaboration, turned into a battlefield, eerily similar to the dramatic corporate politics depicted in TV dramas. I survived most of these meetings with a poker face, but the weight of the experience never left me.

One of my biggest weaknesses, in hindsight, was my compassion for my team. There are unwritten rules in leadership: boundaries you’re expected to maintain between yourself and your employees. My mentor often reminded me to draw a thick line, to keep a clear distinction. I understood the reasoning behind this advice, but it wasn’t always easy to execute. Balancing the need for results, the well-being of my team, and the company’s bottom line is no easy task.

A key story that reflects the darker side of corporate life was when I had to place a staff member on a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP), three rounds of it. I tried to rescue her by reassigning her to a role that I believed was more suited to her strengths. But one day, I was instructed to terminate her on the spot. As much as I wanted to fight it, my position don't afford me that luxury. I had to act in the company’s interest. It was one of the most difficult moments of my career, and unfortunately, it reinforced the cold truth that, in the eyes of senior management, employees are often viewed as numbers on a balance sheet.

Corporate politics, especially at the top, is a different beast. Middle managers often don’t understand the pressures senior leaders face. It’s not about day-to-day operations anymore—it’s about managing corporate culture, handling "new broom" pressure as CEOs come and go every few years, maintaining growth even in the most challenging of times, and navigating the ever-complex relationships with peers, HR, and finance. Perhaps, in my effort to shield my team from these pressures, I gave them the false impression that everything was rainbows and sunshine. The one silver lining, though, was that the employee attrition rate in my division was the lowest. That’s something I take pride in, even if it came at the expense of my own happiness—just kidding (sort of).

I believe that to be an effective leader, you need more than just operational skills. It takes a level of maturity and emotional intelligence that only comes with experience. Navigating corporate politics requires constant learning, self-reflection, and growth. I see this chapter of my life as just that, a learning experience. I may have left the corporate scene for now, but I know I will return when the time is right, with a better understanding of what it takes to lead and the wisdom to draw that "thick line" when necessary.

In the meantime, I’m focusing on other priorities i.e. mentoring the younger generation, sharing my experiences, and fostering an environment of love and peace. I’m also spending more time with my family, which, at this point in my life, feels like the most meaningful thing I can do.

Leadership is a journey, not a destination. And as I continue on this path, I’ve learned that success isn’t just about climbing higher, it’s about growing deeper.

change: nothing is Eternal

Life is a cycle of change, and nothing—neither luck nor health—is permanent. I've witnessed this truth firsthand, especially after I stepped away from the manifestation techniques and the idle chatter on forums that once preoccupied me. Since then, I’ve noticed a stagnation in my career, wealth, and luck. Recently I made a significant career shift, leaving behind a high-paying consulting role. Why? I’m not entirely sure but something in me felt compelled to move forward. Perhaps a little too ambitiously as I began envisioning myself in a director-level position at a multinational corporation. Looking back now, it feels surreal.

At the time, I had two offers on the table: a lucrative consulting job in Singapore or a management role in Malaysia with a 50% pay cut. The decision might seem obvious to most, but I chose the latter. This decision raised many eyebrows in my family, who had come to depend on my financial support. The exchange rate alone (2.3 myr  to 1 sgd) would have made the choice even more puzzling from an outside perspective.

But something changed during that period of my life. I gained true friends—comrades who stood by me through thick and thin. I dropped the ego that had previously driven me and realized that teamwork is far more valuable than individual achievement. I used to think too highly of myself, operating solo because I saw others as burdens rather than allies. It took time but I eventually recognized that this mindset was flawed.

Having lived a materialistic life filled with respect and status, I now appreciate the choices I made back then. A moment that sticks with me occurred some time ago when I visited the Ministry of Manpower (MOM) to inquire about applying for a PEP pass. The staff, at first glance, gave me a skeptical look as if to say, Are you sure you qualify? They proceeded to outline the requirements, stating that an Employment Pass holder must earn a fixed monthly salary of at least $12,000. With a quiet sense of pride, I showed them my payslip. Immediately, their attitude shifted. Not only did I meet the criteria, I surpassed it without question.

Those glamorous days of consulting and high salaries, however, are now behind me. Today, I’m in a completely different field, facing new challenges that are more aligned with who I am becoming as I age. It’s time to slow down, shift my focus toward family, and embrace a more balanced life. While I might not be as wealthy as I once was, I find myself much happier and more content with what I have.

In this journey of spreading love and peace, I’ve unintentionally become a counselor to many people. Nothing brings me greater satisfaction than hearing, "Thanks for your advice." It fuels my desire to help others even more. I now believe that love is the most powerful force in the world. Love has the potential to heal, transform, and create miracles. It’s a force that has guided me through my own ups and downs, and one that I will continue to carry forward.

Life, after all, is not a straight line but a rollercoaster of experiences. And through it all, I’ve learned that while nothing is eternal, love—when shared—can leave a lasting legacy.

The Secret

Apologies to Those Affected by My Alter Ego on the Internet

Today, I want to come clean about what I’ve done over the past eight years. This post is meant to bring clarity and, I hope, provide some closure to those who may have been hurt. To those affected by the negativity, envy, and criticism created by my online persona, I sincerely hope you can let go and move on.

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Growing up, I faced many challenges—mediocre academic performance, poor communication skills (almost bordering on a speech disorder), and over-controlling parents. These factors contributed to my low self-esteem and introverted nature, driving me to retreat into fantasies and the internet. I wasn’t good at much, except for programming. Life felt dull, and there was little I looked forward to. As graduation approached, I was still jobless, while my peers flaunted their offers from prestigious multinational companies, with pay that reflected their exceptional grades. Being surrounded by the smart people wasn’t easy. It felt like constant blows to my fragile ego, if I even had one at that time.

Fortunately, I had befriended HM during my school years, and just before graduating, during a casual conversation, she invited me to join her in applying for a 1-month IT course. With no job prospects and nothing to lose, I joined her. That decision changed my life. HM also introduced me to something called "The Secret." It made sense—this was what fueled her success, I thought.

The IT course opened the door to a world I hadn’t previously imagined: ERP consulting. I became a certified consultant and believed this would set me on the path to a high-flying career. But reality had other plans. After three years in the field, I was still drawing a modest RM2.4k monthly salary. My enthusiasm for "The Secret" had waned. I couldn’t fully grasp it back then, and comments from colleagues fed my skepticism. "If that stuff really worked," one said, "there wouldn’t be any beggars, and my parents would’ve hit the lottery jackpot by now." My focus was consumed by work, spending almost 20 hours a day immersed in work - solving issues in the system.

At the end of those three years, something reminded me of HM’s words. I revisited "The Secret," watching the video over and over again, even purchasing the book. I tried the techniques to "attract" what I wanted, but I kept facing disappointment. Then, one day, something clicked. A lightbulb moment. A woman in the video said, "Pretend as if you already possess it, and you shall have it." The idea of "faking it until you make it" felt like a revelation.

But how does one pretend? It was hard to convince myself I was wealthy when I was always broke. Still, I was determined to test this newfound insight. I found the perfect platform for it—anonymous chat forums. I created various nicknames, trying to manifest the life I wanted. At first, people dismissed my claims as fake. But over time, I built a profile and reputation, engaging in discussions, arguments, and even posting provocative remarks. Once I gained traction, I began injecting stories of wealth—talking about a five-figure salary, luxury items, and even owning a BMW.

Nothing happened at first. I felt guilty and came close to quitting multiple times, especially when acquaintances began to suspect it was me. Still, I pressed on. Then, one evening, something unexpected happened—I received instructions to pack for a work assignment in Scandinavia. It was my first trip to Europe, and it came with a 200% salary increase. Suddenly, everything I had posted in the forum started manifesting, one by one. From traveling overseas to earning a five-figure salary, actually buying a BMW, and sending my parents on trips abroad—everything unfolded just as I had "prophesied." By the age of 25, I had achieved more than I ever thought possible.

But it wasn’t enough. I got greedy. I returned to the forums, boasting more and more. Astonishingly, the more I posted, the more things materialized—my salary kept doubling, and my lifestyle continued to improve. I even posted about dating an air stewardess, only to later discovered that my girlfriend at the time had reached the final interview stage with SIA. Life was unfolding in ways I couldn’t explain.

I also met people on the forum who shared deeper knowledge—what I call "The Secret 2.0." This opened my mind even further, and I became hungrier for wisdom, shifting away from materialism toward spiritual growth. As I began to understand the mechanics of manifestation, it all made sense. The energy—whether from love, jealousy, or even hatred—played a part in manifesting my goals. My posts on the forums had generated emotions in others, and I believe that energy, in turn, fueled my growth.

updated:

I’ve since reached a point of spiritual awakening. I left my high-paying job and senior management role at a Fortune 500 company to focus on family, mentor young people in finding their purpose, and contribute more to the community. Surprisingly, I’ve found myself doing things I never imagined I would five years ago. Money is no longer my driving force; my new journey is focused on something greater—spiritually and mentally.

What I achieved in the past decade now feels like a sweet dream, exactly as I had envisioned. It’s amazing how the universe works. Yet, while I’ve gained much, I also feel compassion for those who may have been affected negatively by my actions. Whether through hatred, jealousy, or admiration, their energy contributed to my journey. While I don’t know if there’s a zero-sum balance at play, I hope those affected can release any lingering negativity and move forward.

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I hope this post opens your mind, and to those affected, I encourage you to let go and move on.

hi

Why? When I first started this blog, my intention was to share insights and reflections gathered over a decade of experiences and experiments. However, as time has passed, I’ve come to realize that there are far more meaningful things to invest my energy in than recounting these stories here. Life moves quickly, and I’ve barely had the time to put my thoughts into writing.

That said, I’ll make sure to share everything I can in my next post.